5 signs of the Recession

These indicators, while unproven should give everyone a little insight to where we are going.

1) The number of hamsters up for adoption has reached epic numbers: Teddy Bear hamsters, the Cadillac of the home-rodent world, is looking for a new home in record numbers. These tiny, fuzzy creatures are now all over the classifieds-- cage, water feeder and running ball included. Until we see the uptick in NEW hamster sales, it is safe to say we won't be out of the recession.

2) Bums forced to be more creative: The CBI (creative bum index) has risen to it's highest number since the 1987 crash. Bums are finding that the traditional, 'hungry- lost job' signs are not working. In recent days, the likings of, 'Need money to fuel spaceship' and 'Took a bad loss on AIG stock' signs are popping up in all metro areas. Freddy 'big bubba' Miles, a local Detroit bum said that his sign, 'Snoop Dogg's entourage laid me off' has been 10X more lucrative than last years, 'Need money for kids Christmas presents.' Bubba also has no kids.

3) Mercedes emblem value rises in the black market: While people are looking for a safety net, cash is flowing into a once dead market of Mercedes emblems. The cost of such a commodity has risen 10 fold in the last 3 months to $10, and with the number of Mercedes models with hood emblems down 40% in the last 10 years, the supply for this high demand product is limited. One street economist was quoted saying, 'Peeps have it tough. When you can't have da whole Mercedes, showin off da emblem is a sign of success.' Sadly, soon after this interview, the reporter realized he was missing his wallet.

4) Old ass Raiders Starter jackets popping up in a city near you: A recession icon, the Raider's Starter Jacket, is in limited quantities at thrift stores all across the United States. The theory that when times are tough, people don't give a crap about fashion, seems to be holding up. While ugly Raider's Starter jackets are not as much of an eye-sore as Hoovervilles, they are surely a sign of a depressed society. It also doesn't help that the Raiders this year have only won two games, or that the majority of the US is experiencing an Indian Summer. According to one economist: 'There really is no reason, other than a recession, to see ugly Starter brand Raiders jackets. They are really gross and make me puke in my mouth just a little when I see them.' I must agree.

5) Loan Sharks becoming Loan Kittens: In South Philadelphia, a local loan Shark has become the cat's meow-- he is renegotiating the terms of the loan contracts he wrote in the last 5 years. In one instance, he is allowing a person who was facing 'death by hanging,' if they defaulted on the loan, to take a much lesser penalty of 'public beating in front of your grandmother.' Other death sentences are being traded for much less harsh penalties like, 'thrown off a bridge,' 'kicked in the back by a horse,' and 'left for near dead on a trash barge.' The loan shark recommends that all customers that are currently hiding and in default to come forth and take their lesser penalty soon, because this is just a temporary reprieve, and if you don't act now he will hunt you down with a pack of dobermans and have you shot.

... AND this is just the beginning...